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And why does it feel so wrong to feel what I’m feeling now. I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling, I don’t want to be this way. It’s stupid, I know.
“It’s just a dream”
I know. I know, and that’s the reason why this feels awful. This feeling’s ugly, I’m ugly. I don’t wish to be ugly. I want to be beautiful. Beautiful, elegant – everything you want me to be. To not feel any form of resentment or jealousy. Or rather, just the right amount of jealousy. To be able to laugh it off, to be able to believe in you. To believe in us. But I can’t manage that. Is it wrong to feel what I’m feeling though? Wouldn’t you feel the same?
Yes, she will. But you can’t
Shut it. You’re not me. You’re hideous. A thick, dense, suffocating fog, that’s what you are. You know exactly how to kill me don’t you. You’ll smother me and poison me with your words. Words that.. might be true. No. They’re not true. I will not feel this way.
“I had this amazing dream last night”
“Uhuh, tell me about it”
“I liked this cute guy”
Cue face change. Now who would have thought 5 simple words could hit me so hard. It might just be me. Maybe I’ve been stupid. Maybe I was hoping that you’d never fall for anyone else. Maybe i thought you felt the same way. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking.
Oh come on, you’re thinking too much.
What did i say about talking now? Yes, I know. So what. Can’t I feel however I want to feel and type whateverI please?
You know this is going to hurt her don’t you..
..Yea. I do. And because of that I always hold back. I bury my feelings. These ugly feelings. But today I’ll let them crawl out from their graves. I’ll set them loose. Go on a rampage for all I care. Because today, I’ll feel whatever i want to.
“Dreams are your subconscious desires”
“I don’t believe in that”
“Well you liked him in your dream”
So where was I? Not even an extra on your silver screen? Well so many other people starred in it. So where was I?
She cant control her dreams you know, it’s unfair to her
I know. Dreaming about other guys.. I’m fine with that. But to see her so.. happy about it, to see her so glad she had that dream, that, I can’t take. I’m sorry, I’m just not strong enough to know that the person i love is so damn glad that she had that dream. To actually totally forget about me and to feel for another guy, to actually like someone else as if i don’t exist. Where does that place me?
Imagine how she’s feeling right about now.. She won’t be happy
Aye.. Well if you’re reading this.. Imagine if I told you the exact same things you told me.
“hey, I had an amazing dream this morning *beams*”
“Oh, what about?”
“I dreamt our school houses were at war…….. And then it was my turn to like this cute girl hahaha!”
The worst thing is, you laughed so genuinely, as if you really liked him. Andwhen my face changed you laughed again, said you didnt want to finish your story already and looked guilty. I asked you to continue.
And what made me feel so damn miserable is the fact that you seemed so happy when you talked about him. imagine i talked about some girl like that. How would you feel?
I don’t know why I’m blogging anymore though. Maybe I still hope people read this empty space. For whats the point in blogging if there’s no traffic? Maybe I’d stop blogging altogether. Maybe I’d switch sites. But for now, I’ll keep posting to myself.
