Draw Circles..

And why does it feel so wrong to feel what I’m feeling now. I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling, I don’t want to be this way. It’s stupid, I know.

“It’s just a dream”

I know. I know, and that’s the reason why this feels awful. This feeling’s ugly, I’m ugly. I don’t wish to be ugly. I want to be beautiful. Beautiful, elegant – everything you want me to be. To not feel any form of resentment or jealousy. Or rather, just the right amount of jealousy. To be able to laugh it off, to be able to believe in you. To believe in us. But I can’t manage that. Is it wrong to feel what I’m feeling though? Wouldn’t you feel the same?

Yes, she will. But you can’t

Shut it. You’re not me. You’re hideous. A thick, dense, suffocating fog, that’s what you are. You know exactly how to kill me don’t you. You’ll smother me and poison me with your words. Words that.. might be true. No. They’re not true. I will not feel this way.

“I had this amazing dream last night”

“Uhuh, tell me about it”

“I liked this cute guy”

Cue face change. Now who would have thought 5 simple words could hit me so hard. It might just be me. Maybe I’ve been stupid. Maybe I was hoping that you’d never fall for anyone else. Maybe i thought you felt the same way. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

Oh come on, you’re thinking too much.

What did i say about talking now? Yes, I know. So what. Can’t I feel however I want to feel and type whateverI please?

You know this is going to hurt her don’t you..

..Yea. I do. And because of that I always hold back. I bury my feelings. These ugly feelings. But today I’ll let them crawl out from their graves. I’ll set them loose. Go on a rampage for all I care. Because today, I’ll feel whatever i want to.

“Dreams are your subconscious desires”

“I don’t believe in that”

“Well you liked him in your dream”

So where was I? Not even an extra on your silver screen? Well so many other people starred in it. So where was I?

She cant control her dreams you know, it’s unfair to her

I know. Dreaming about other guys.. I’m fine with that. But to see her so.. happy about it, to see her so glad she had that dream, that, I can’t take. I’m sorry, I’m just not strong enough to know that the person i love is so damn glad that she had that dream. To actually totally forget about me and to feel for another guy, to actually like someone else as if i don’t exist. Where does that place me?

Imagine how she’s feeling right about now.. She won’t be happy

Aye.. Well if you’re reading this.. Imagine if I told you the exact same things you told me.

“hey, I had an amazing dream this morning *beams*”

“Oh, what about?”

“I dreamt our school houses were at war…….. And then it was my turn to like this cute girl hahaha!”

The worst thing is, you laughed so genuinely, as if you really liked him. Andwhen my face changed you laughed again, said you didnt want to finish your story already and looked guilty. I asked you to continue.

And what made me feel so damn miserable is the fact that you seemed so happy when you talked about him. imagine i talked about some girl like that. How would you feel?

I don’t know why I’m blogging anymore though. Maybe I still hope people read this empty space. For whats the point in blogging if there’s no traffic? Maybe I’d stop blogging altogether. Maybe I’d switch sites. But for now, I’ll keep posting to myself.

As the lamps turn off, the light in my eyes struggle to stay alive, they struggle to persist, they struggle to exist. Futile attempts, they fade away. They always do. The lights are beautiful, they keep me company, but as darkness envelopes me in the dead of night, no matter how strong they were, no matter how bright they shone, once darkness comes theyd fade into a flurry of blue and green, blinding for a second, and then theyre gone. So what if they shone for me, theyre not here now. So what if they showed me the way these beautiful things, where are they now? Not here. And when they stop trying to exist, the darkness sets it. This darkness, its a curious thing. It is the embodiment of loneliness; it takes everything away. It is the embodiment of restlessness; the silence is deafening. It is blanket wrapped over you, suffocating, constricting, choking. It is a thick scentless smog, it gets into your bones, your flesh, your heart. Yes, darkness is curious. Hear it’s silent cries, echoing my own. Feel it’s longing gaze, it wants to devour me. It wants to own me. Reaching out, i grab it and feel it’s form. It accepts me. It’s all right, I know how it feels. I’ll be here for you. I’ll be by your side. Even loneliness needs a friend sometimes.

There are things that make you who you are, things you just cannot live without. Things that bring you joy, things that make you a better person. And as time goes by, the dependency on these things grow.

I don’t like being dependent. Not this much anyways.

It’s not just a matter of being overly reliant, that the withdrawal symptoms appear whenever these things disappear. It’s just not that simple anymore. The dependence’s grown to an extent where I’ve lost myself in it, or rather I’ve lost myself TO it. It’s dangerous to lose control over yourself. Every little thing counts, and every little thing can change how you feel, how you act, how you behave.

I hate being so reliant and so affected, yet I can’t help but to be so damn addicted. I need this reliance. I really do. But it leaves me vulnerable. I hate vulnerability. I hate vulnerability and I hate it that I hate it. I hate this i hate this i hate this.

Sometimes i find it wondrous how people find the strength to believe in themselves, to believe that the “Life after As” will be spectacular, that there will be something to look forward to. I can’t bring myself to feel that way. Honestly, a large part of me’s afraid. What if I don’t do well? What if I end up in some third-rate university? Will I even GET into university?… And all the What Ifs continue to pile up. I want to have something to look forward to, I want the strength to believe in myself, but all the current circumstances and indicators all point towards one thing, MY future isn’t set in stone, and most probably, it won’t be as bright as other people make it out to be. I continue to hope though, there’s a part of me that still grabs on to that tiny inkling of hope, but it’s also the thing that would cause me the most pain. The more I hope, the larger the risk i take. Everytime i hope, it provides a chance for disappointment to etch another cut on my heart. Like I don’t have enough already. People speak of the life after As as something miraculous, amazing, beautiful, but all I see is uncertainty, and uncertainty scares me. But it’s all right, I’ll ignore the signs, I’ll pretend not to see the circumstances. I’ll get through this somehow. And maybe, just maybe, that little bit of hope would blossom into reality.

Great. And I’ll just keep on waiting.

Top 10 things on my mind right now:

1. I have decided that I will be making more videos of my life. Looking back at videos of myself having fun made me realise how boring my current life is, and in an attempt to spice up this shitty excuse of a life, I’m going to document it. I’m hoping in doing so I’d look for stuff to do, which SHOULD make my life more eggciting muaha. Makes sense right?

2. Tomorrow’s CIP. Not exactly the most thrilling of events, but ah well, who am I to complain. It should be interesting though, the kids are CRAZEE. Honestly, some of them piss me off to no end and i just want to kick them so hard in the groin they end up “blasting off agaiIiIiInnnnnn~” *cues pokemon theme song*

3. I think one of the kid’s gay. This guy (I haven’t found out his name yet. I will tomorrow) keeps hugging me and clinging on to me, like really CLINGING. He just clings on to my arm and lifts his feet off the ground!!! Although i must admit he’s pretty darn cute HAHAHA! And turns out, I’m really quite popular with the kids. 5 of them tried to hug and cling on to me today! ALL AT ONCE. I was dragged and pinned down. They’re monsters. Milo Group, I surrender. *waves white flag*

4. Continuation of point 1: I might take some videos of tomorrow. This way, I’d force myself to be entertained my kids, however uninteresting some of them might be. I swear, some of them have attitudes that make my head go woozy.

5. Just bought myself two Ten Year Series books with worked solutions. This is a monumental event. “OMG JOONTEEN BOUGHT HIMSELF ASSESSMENT BOOKS!!!! CALL THE PAPERS!!! THIS. IS. HISTORY!!!!!” Yea, you do that, little girl. You do that. But seriously, I never would have thought the day would come where I actually buy myself supplementary materials. What has gotten into you my dear boy, you’re not who you used to be!!!

6. Have i mentioned I’m interested in drawing again? This time, it’s realism. Just did a realistic eye not too long ago, and proud of it too hehe, I’m getting pretty good. *pats self on the back* Feel like doing a cartoon-ey sketch sometime soon. Oh well, I’ll tell you if i get down to it.

7. I have decided I value fame more than money, and thus, even if I don’t earn enough in the future, I HAVE TO BE FAMOUS. Ok.. Actually.. Not really. Scratch that. This point was pointless.

8. I reek. Need a bath. Like, NOW. Still in the same PE tee I’ve been in since 9:30 this morning, not to mention I’ve been running around and playing games for most of the day. I’m really sticky right now. Just tried to stick an A4 size paper onto my arm and guess what. It worked

9. I still can’t find the Dorian Gray i owe wl zzzz. I can finally, officially, announce it as A LOST ITEM. I’d get you a new one I promise!!!!!

10. This post was only written because you wanted me to, SO BE GRATEFUL YOU IDIOT hahaha :p I’m done now.

If there’s one thing you can never change, it’s the past. The past paves the road for what happens today, and yet, what happens today is very seldom what you wish for. And what about the past that you had nothing to do with? What about the past where you didnt exist? What about the past where you had no influence over but somehow ends up affecting you? Its a mistake no one made, it’s an accident but no one’s to blame. I’m tired. I’m exhausted really, both physically and mentally. Not to mention emotionally. I want to drift. I want to be free again. I want to lie on air, let the wind carry me whereever it pleases, touch the stars as i float by, hear them tinkle and feel stardust land ever so lightly upon my face. Let me be free, for this time has binded me to emotions undesired. Let me waltz upon the space time continuum and dance to my own beat. Let me return to the past I was never part of and change what we are today.

Playing chess without your knights, its a game you can never win, but you just keep playing.

Its been a while since I’ve had a new post, and I’m convinced nobody ever comes here now. Except for you my dear, I know you refresh my page over and over again and in hopes of seeing a new post, all in the name of LOVE. I know. I’m self centered and my ego’s blown way out of proportion. I plead guilty to being a narcissist.

But it’s precisely because no one frequents this dead space that I can practically write whatever I want ,however I want, in contrast to you overwhelmingly famous people with insurmountable amount of readers and fans who have to filter everything you write over and over just to make your already amazingly awesome lives seem that much more enviable. Not that I’m jealous or anything. Because real men don’t get jealous. (Don’t scoff at me young lady. Yes, you. Real men deserve more respect than this.)

After a long chat with CO peeps, (Chinese Orchestra that is, for you uncultured and un-musically inclined people.) I’ve realised that women really don’t know what men want, and likewise, men don’t know what women want. Now to women, men are high maintenance creatures. We require constant boosts to our egos, we need to feel loved, we need to feel needed, but yet we don’t fancy women who are too “sticky”. A troublesome breed aren’t we, tsk. But in reality, what every man needs, is a genuine, heartfelt smile from a woman.

Now I’m pretty sure most of us have seen one of those movies where a total wuss falls for a girl and faints when she smiles at him. I’m telling you now. All. Guys. Are. Wusses. We don’t show it of course, because wusses aren’t manly. But being a real man also means being able to tell the truth, always. So here I am, stripping myself bare of all manliness (again, stop snickering. ), and revealing my inner wussiness, along with all other guys’ too. All for the sake of being “a real man”. So, yes. When a woman smiles, a little bit of us die inside, our hearts melt, our hard and cold exterior turn soft, (while our southern regions might experience a totally opposite effect), our minds go “Awwwww! she’s so damn cute i could die!!” and we end up falling for you. Yes my dear ladies, its that easy. JT’s one step guide to courting men :

1. Smile from your heart. Or at least pretend to. If your acting sucks or if you have a piece of vegetable from last night’s dinner still stuck in your teeth you’d just end up scaring him, so make sure to check in the mirror first.

And that’s all it takes basically, we don’t need piles of gifts (though some would be nice), we don’t need you to look devastatingly hot (though that would be a bonus), we don’t need sex (… ok maybe a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit. OK STRIKE THAT OFF THIS LIST, EVERYONE NEEDS SEX! Admit it girls, you want it too, and that’s what I’m here for jkjk haha love, don’t kill me!), and we don’t need anything else! As long as you love us with all your heart and give us a warm, heartfelt smile, we’re pretty much yours, signed, sealed, delivered.

And that’s all the wussiness i can dish out for one night. I’m gonna be known as a fuckin pansy from now on eeurgh, but ah well, for the sake of all mankind, I’d brave the teasing, I’d brave the shame, because world, I am after all, a real man.

Is jealousy the corollary of love then